"Growing Pains"

By - karengray
10.24.17 03:16 PM


“Buttercup dried her tears and began to smile. She took a deep breath, heaved a sigh. It was all part of growing up. You got these little quick passions, you blinked, and they were gone. You forgave faults, found perfection, fell madly; then the next day the sun came up and it was over. Chalk it up to experience, old girl, and get on with the morning.” ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

When my oldest was young, he would get terrible pains in his legs every few months, and sometimes every few weeks. He would come to me with a frustrated look on his face and tears in his beautiful blue eyes and tell me that it felt like someone was breaking his legs. I would sit with him, with his legs in my lap and a heating pad over his shins, and I would offer him as much comfort as I could.

It gave me a terrible feeling that I couldn't explain to him why he hurt so badly. After all, I was his Mum. I was supposed to have all the answers to life, and should have been able to take this pain away, or at the very least give a decent explanation for it.

I did the best I could, just like we all do. I explained to him that they were ‘growing pains’ and they meant that he were getting bigger and stronger very quickly. And, just like the brilliant and beautiful child he is, he looked at me and said “but why should it hurt?”

This I didn’t have an answer for right away. I heard my own mother’s voice come from my mouth and say “that’s just how it works, baby.”

As the years passed by, these physical pains went away, only to be replaced by the infinitely more intense emotional pains that come with growing. There are times when I look into those beautiful blue eyes and I see lifetimes of hurt and worry, and I hear that small voice demanding to know, “but why should it hurt?”

My first impulse is always to kill whatever caused him pain, and bring the corpse back to him like a cat who leaves a mouse on your doorstep. But thankfully that thought only lasts a few seconds, and I am rational again, because now I have an answer.

Nothing changes dramatically without a dramatic change. A block of marble does not become a statue without being hammered on and broken. A bit of metal does not become a useful tool without going into the forge fires. And bodies do not grow without stretching ligaments and bones. The events in our lives that cause us pain are the very same ones that are shaping us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

We are inherently programmed to avoid pain. Like the saying goes, a child won’t put its hand on a hot stove twice. Why? Because it hurts! After getting burned, the child will find ways to not touch the hot stove. Hopefully, that same child will find ways to work with the stove. He will test his limits and see how close to the stove he can get without getting burned. And with any luck, he will form a new understanding of how the stove works, and a respect for the value and usefulness of the stove, so that they can have a healthy and productive relationship together.

The same goes for people. When someone in our lives touches us, then hurts us, we need to resist the impulse to avoid getting close to anyone ever again. We need to learn from those experiences, to test our limits and boundaries, and form a new understanding of how relationships work, and develop respect for the value and usefulness of other people.

We are going to get hurt. People are going to be unkind and treat us unfairly. And this (usually) has nothing to do with who we are. Don’t be afraid to grow. Test your limits. Experiment with different reactions. Treat people kindly. Be a model of the type of person you want to know.

I try to remind myself of this when I start to have emotions that change quickly, or feelings that just don't seem to make sense at all. When I have tremendous headaches and incredible heartaches because of something that happened, "They are growing pains," I tell myself, "Because you are growing so very quickly.”

karengray