My Story
Just before I travelled to Virginia to study hypnosis with Jason Linett, (award-winning hypnotist and instructor), my marriage imploded in a big and dramatic way. I’ll spare you the gory details, but the gist of the story is that my then husband had a devastating accident at work, and while he was recovering in the hospital I learned about the affair he had been having for the last year or so.
To make matters worse, my husband was not the greatest guy to begin with, and had systematically and thoroughly dismantled my self esteem throughout the 15 years we had been together. By the time I found out he’d been cheating on me, I was small, beaten, angry, and struggling to get through each day.
So, as I maneuvered through the process of divorce, I struggled with what had happened. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he didn’t value me. My confidence was completely shattered. I didn’t have the energy or will, and even getting up in the morning to go to work seemed impossible. I kept replaying the last 15 years ona loop, and couldn’t break out of the cycle of hurt.
I needed to change, for myself, for my kids, and for anyone who came in contact with me. During the times I was able to look at the situation analytically, I knew that i needed to first grieve, then let go, then heal, and then rebuild. And no matter how clear that was to me, it was still impossible to break out of the cycle of self-doubt and hurt feelings. I am convinced today that without the tools of hypnosis I would not have made it through that excruciatingly painful time.
“Tom's” Story
A young man walked into my office the other day. Since I only see clients by appointment, this was a little surprising, but I had the time to talk with him, so I invited him in.
He asked the usual shy questions, like do I do hypnosis, and what do I do hypnosis for. And I answered him the way I answer everyone. “Yes! I do hypnosis. I help people change their lives. Were you thinking about using hypnosis to help you change something in your life?”
He sat down in my recliner and started to tell me about a girl that he had been dating. He described his feelings of love and the connection that he felt toward her, and also talked about some of the aspects of the relationship that he called “toxic.”
He knew that he needed to move on from her, but he thought about her all the time, and had a hard time fighting the compulsion to contact her. He knew that it wasn’t a healthy relationship, but he felt like he was stuck in the pattern of loving her. He wanted to be able to stop thinking about her, and to get to a place where he could focus on his own growth.
“Lisa’s” Story
A woman called me and aid that she had been in a committed relationship for about ten years, and although it wasn’t the best relationship all that time, she loved her significant other very much and was devoted to being a good partner.
Her significant other was connected to many people in the small town they lived in either through family, or from living there all his life. She was the outsider, and when their relationship ended, not only did she feel the hurt and betrayal of being dumped, but she felt alienated and isolated in a town that seemed to be on the side of her ex.
She asked me to “make it as if I never knew him.” And I gently told her that “Hypnosis is powerful and can do some amazing things, but it cannot erase people. What it can do is to allow you to stop caring about him and his friends so that you can heal and move on.”
Anatomy of a Breakup
Sometimes it’s a lot easier to be the one broken up with than it is to have the courage to say, “hey this isn’t really working and I don’t see that it will ever work so I’m breaking up with you for the sake of both of us.” So both sides of the coin are excruciatingly painful.
For the most part the people who reach out to me for help with getting over a break up are the “break-ees”. We are talking about a person, (maybe you) who got broken up with and is deep in grieving, depression, longing, loneliness and a different kind of misery than the misery of being in a miserable relationship that no one wants to admit is miserable.
Some people break up and others just stay together even though they both have settled and they are both miserable. They just don’t want to admit it to themselves or each other.
It’s been my experience that usually the person doing the leaving has already decided this wasn’t working. He or she has gotten over the relationship enough to break it off and is ready to move on to something else. Unfortunately, you now know they are wanting to move on to someone better… than YOU. Ouch!
No one wants to hear that they weren’t “good enough” or “sexy enough” or “fun enough” or “loving enough” for another person to want to be with. We call that rejection. And it just plain hurts.
So you wind up feeling like your ex is dumping you and leaving you alone and now you have to pick up the pieces of your life. And it hurts and it feels unfair, and you just want the good feelings back that you two had in the beginning when you fell in love.
In every relationship where both partners actually experience it as really, really good, the experience of intimacy will start to trigger stuff from the past. Childhood stuff, previous relationship stuff, and even past life stuff comes up. The fact that the stuff comes up is actually good, because in order to heal stuff, we have to feel stuff. And who better to heal it with than your significant other?
The problem is that no one knows how to heal that stuff. No one teaches us how to heal the stuff that comes up in our intimate relationships. So we get into these relationships and everything is all wonderful for a while. And inevitable, we inadvertently touch each other’s old traumas, or old wounds, which causes us to go into defensive mode and close down.
In our closed down state we start to tell ourselves stories about how the other person is doing this to us. We create the belief that the other person is hurting us intentionally (this is your subconscious mind manipulating you). We begin to focus on all the other things that are unexpressed or not resolved between us. Our thinking can shift to a negative space a the old wounds begin to compound and build up on eachother.
From here, a few things can happen. We may have found someone that we share a strong enough connection with and we can begin the process of healing and growing. Or we may not have that bond, no matter how much we love a person, or our significant other may not be in a place where they can comfortably begin to work on their own baggage. Finally, one person in the relationship may give up and surrender to the idea that the price of not being alone is to be in this very unsatisfying relationship, or one of the partners seeks to find something or someone else who is “better”.
Because we are all creatures of habit, and we see and feel and experience life based on the influences and habits of our subconscious mind, we tend to recreate the same scenarios and dynamics no matter who we are with. There is a lot of neuroscience that explains why we repeat patterns and behaviors, and why we see “all women” or “all men” in a certain way. To explain it simply, look at your reactions and responses, and even your feelings and beliefs as habits - things you do without conscious effort.
So in order to stop the pattern, not only do we need to get over this breakup, but we need to get over all the past breakups. We need to address what is really going on in all of our relationships.
We ALL want someone to justify to us that it isn’t us, it’s THEM. That’s why we talk to our friends about our relationship problems instead of to each other. We talk to other people instead of to the actual person who is triggering us. That ought to work right?
But it IS us and it IS them. And without someone else to trigger us, we can’t do the deep and difficult work of healing ourselves. It always takes two to tango as they say.
Getting OVER this person who broke your heart, dumped you, ditched you, rejected you, cheated on you, abandoned you, used you, abused you, dropped you, or otherwise “did you wrong”.
Step One: Stop believing in the “One”.
If you didn’t believe in the one you wouldn’t be bothered by this “one” not being it.
If you don’t believe in the “One” then whoever you happen to be with at the moment is perfect for now. Meaning that whoever you’re attracted to physically, and whose company you enjoy is your ideal match in the moment, and if it stops being enjoyable you can simply let go and move on to something better with someone else. Isn’t that the way it is with friends? We hang out for a while with someone and then something changes in either person’s life and a natural drifting apart process takes place. No biggie. Life goes on. We make new friends. No big deal.
What makes intimate relationships different is that we invest a large amount of expectation into it, that makes it seem like a fairytale. We buy into that story until it has too many holes in it where reality doesn’t match up with what we created in our minds and hearts. So part of the problem that is causing you so much pain and suffering now is the belief that this person was the One.
The feelings of inadequacy, failure, sadness, grief, and loss when we discover that he or she is NOT the One can be reconciled by making them the bad guy and you the victim. Sound familiar? It should. This is how the majority of people end relationships, by making their ex a monster, and by making themselves a victim. There are many many unhealthy things about this plan, but one of the biggest problems with this approach is that it stunts our personal growth.
By not acknowledging the role we played in a relationship, and looking at our own actions, behaviors, reactions, and feelings, we are allowing the same patterns to continue, and we will repeat them in all our future relationships.
One way to break the cycle is by changing your belief about the One. Without that belief, it’s just not a big deal. You hung out for awhile. You had some good times. Things changed. You both let go and moved on. No one is a monster, and no one is a victim.
So easy to say, right? You already know by reading my articles that it is just that easy. You are what you say you are. In order to make this shift, we change the belief in the “One” to a belief that whatever is currently going on in your life, single, married, alone or with a partner, is exactly what you need the most right now in order to continue healing, growing and learning. It’s really learning how to accept that whatever is actually happening is good, and recognizing that you can’t change the stuff that is actually happening. Learning how to accept what is isn’t just some new age idea, it’s something that actually works. And it works pretty fast too.
So Step One is to take charge of your beliefs about this relationship ending and to “filter for a different future” than the one you’ve been trained to imagine so far. If you have any questions at this point let me know ok?
Step Two: Stop looking for outside validation in order to feel loved.
“Love yourself,” all the wise teachers say, but nobody tells you how to get the good feelings we want emotionally. Learning to love yourself emotionally, to fill your entire being with self acceptance and support, enables you to be more independent, stronger, and more in control of your emotional states. You can learn how to literally adore yourself honestly and freely. The idea is to love yourself so much that you would never, ever allow another person to ruin your day, and so much that you always give yourself encouragement to go for your dreams. You can love yourself enough to realize that attempting to get love from another human being is pointless and crazy until you love yourself so much that you actually don’t care if your lover stays, leaves, or just becomes a friend.
You will feel so complete in and of yourself that you will not need someone else to “complete you.” And the good news for the person you do decide to spend your time with is that you become a lot more fun to be around. They stop wanting to break up and get the heck away from you.
Loving yourself is the only way for you to actually get the love you want from other people. Neediness repels. After a breakup, you are feeling pain because you thought you were getting your needs met by your lover, and now they are gone. But if we are honest with ourselves we have to admit, you were merely attempting to get the love you both wanted from each other. In reality, ,you weren’t getting the love you wanted and they weren’t either. It seems like it works that way but it doesn’t.
It turns out that you are all stressed out about losing something that you never actually had. When you felt all loved by your partner, you were actually just creating those feelings inside yourself in response to your perception of the other person and what you imagined they were thinking. Your thoughts, your perceptions, and your beliefs are what actually triggered all the mood enhancing biochemistry in your body. You are the one who causes you to feel whatever you are feeling. You are creating your emotions and your current pain, but it’s not your fault, Nobody ever taught you how to run your own mind. You can, in fact, be complete and whole in your power to the extent that you will never again feel like a needy, lonely child in the middle of a war zone.
Step Three: Learning how to “re-program” your internal “process” of being in love with said “Ex” so that you’re no longer craving it like a kid who’s had his or her candy bar taken away.
You might be shocked at how easy it’s going to be to simply “delete” them from your neurology so that you are able to forget about them. Or if you’d rather, you can totally change their status in your mind to be that of a good friend who you care about but are no longer in love with. This is the most fun part. I love teaching people how to program their futures to be filled with all the good stuff they really want. I love teaching people how to run their own minds so that they stop beating themselves up inside and start going for what they truly desire in their lives. You’re gonna love this part.
Depending on the reason for the loss, there may be a lot of trauma or betrayal behind it. But even betrayal can't make you stop loving someone. Sometimes the reason or way a relationship ended feels like it has forever changed you. In many cases, there will not be any reconciliation and you have to move on. You don't want to carry emotional baggage from the trauma of that relationship, or have it affect other relationships or keep you from finding love and happiness again.
The Role of Hypnosis
Your brain becomes used to certain chemicals when you are in love. When a breakup happens, these love chemicals are replaced with breakup chemicals. Yes, there really are breakup chemicals. The breakup chemicals make you feel like you are completely emotionally helpless and you cannot even control your thoughts or actions.
There are real biological reasons why you obsess about someone, even if he or she treated you badly. These chemicals also help to create the actual physical pain that is heartbreak. Heartbreak is not a loose term to describe emotions. It accurately describes a physical pain in the heart because of loss.
Hypnosis to Stop Thinking About Someone
Testing done with MRI brain scans showed that a break-up or rejection causes activity in areas of the brain that resemble the same activity as withdrawal from cocaine. This creates the feeling that a breakup is just like a drug addiction.
Hypnosis has been used by the medical community for decades in helping people successfully overcome drug addiction. Hypnotherapy teaches the brain to process stimulants and avoidance differently. This makes ending drug addiction much easier and gentler.
In fact, hypnosis it so powerful it has been known to make a drug user not even think about drugs anymore. Now, if we apply that to how your brain treats a break up, this means that hypnosis can also be the answer to stop being hung up on someone.
If you have impulses to do something rash and undignified, you need hypnosis help fast. When a breakup or divorce occurs, dopamine starts to flood your brain and creates a craving for more love. Your motivation centers are turned on and you begin to find inventive ways to get his or her attention.
This rarely goes well, except maybe in romantic comedies. You are facing an ending and your brain is frantically searching for what is lost. Hypnosis will help you to let go of the feeling of loss, so that you stop looking for something to take its place.
Hypnosis to Let Go of an Ex
While you may be obsessing about your lost love, there is another part of your brain that is working on reassessing your current situation. Very slowly your brain is starting to write out a new life after a breakup.
On its own, this process is slow. Since hypnosis works directly on the brain, it can minimize your dopamine production, reroute your actions and thoughts, and quickly bring the part of your brain on board that focuses on your new life. It is possible that you won't have to try to force yourself to stop thinking about someone. You won’’t have to constantly fight your impulse to pick up the phone or check on your ex through social media.
Like many of my clients, you don’t have to bully yourself to just "get over it" when you have hypnosis working for you.
Getting Over a Breakup Without Drama and Humiliation
Not to worry, hypnotherapy will not interfere with your ability to love, but it can change how you think about breakups and the trauma that is related to them. If you want help to move on from a painful or traumatic, divorce, break-up, or even the death of a loved one, I encourage you to give hypnosis a try.∎
Karen Gray is a Certified Hypnotist, a Registered Nurse, and the director of Green Mountain Hypnosis in Lebanon, New Hampshire. For more information on how you can use hypnosis to change your life, you can visit www.greenmountainhypnosis.com, contact Karen at karengray@greenmountainhypnosis.com, or call (802) 566-0464.