“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” ~ Anthony Bourdain
This week’s news has been filled with touching and sad stories about the remarkable life of author and celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain. We spent nearly 20 years getting to witness Bourdain living his life with an unparalleled sense of honesty and curiosity, as he attempted to teach us all about humanity and empathy through food.
Personally, I was very sad to hear that someone I admire for his humanity, found humanity too much to bear. I have shed a tear or two over the weekend for Mr. Bourdain, and for the hurt that he felt the need to escape from.
We are, all of us, moving through our lies, managing ourselves in the best way that we know how. Sometimes we are gracious and strong, and other times we are small and fragile. Sometimes living is so effortless that we hardly notice we are doing it, and other times it feels nearly impossible.
There is no shortage of information out there about depression, what it looks like, and what to do about it. Suicide prevention resources are just as abundant, especially in the wake of a high profile suicide. And yet nearly everyone has had their lives touched in some way by suicide and depression.
How the H*** Did We Get Here?
It can be helpful to think about depression as a progression, rather than something that just happens all at once. Depression starts from a place where we are tough and fighting. Whatever this thing is, it isn’t going to get me! We manage through the rough patches and come out on the other side a little beat up, but alive and proud of ourselves.
I think that nearly everyone can identify with this place. This is, after all, what living looks like. But depression is different, because there isn’t any time for celebration. As you are there, trying to catch your breath, the negative thinking begins. Those self-doubts play out in the mind until they become believable, so that when the next hurdle hits us, we are already struggling and winded. And over and over again the cycle repeats itself, until the smallest and simplest of tasks start to look impossible.
Have you ever been tired? Like really tired? So tired that you had trouble functioning, and pouring a cup of coffee took all of your concentration? Good, now imagine that you have stayed up all night working on something important, and then having to navigate through your busiest work day. After that, you go home to your family and friends, cook dinner, and do your best to be a good parent and partner.
You would want to tell everyone how tired you are, wouldn’t you? You would try to offer an explanation as to why you weren’t functioning at your best. You may even decide that you couldn’t do the things that you normally do and go to bed early.
Now, imagine that you couldn’t explain to anyone how tired you were feeling. Imagine that any reason you could give for your lack of performance would make you look lazy and incompetent, or even crazy. Imagine that when you did try to tell your coworkers, your boss, your family and friends that you were too tired to do what they expected you to do, they look at you with disappointment, hurt, and even reprimand you.
This is what happens in that cycle of depression. We fight our daily battles and manage our daily stress, and instead of resting and renewing our energy, the battle shifts to an internal one. We have to then contend with the negative internal dialogue of self-doubt, fear, and sadness.
“Why Are You Hitting Yourself?”
It seems like a no-brainer. If someone else walked up and slapped you in the face, you would get upset, and probably make it clear that you weren’t going to allow that to happen again. So why does it look so different when we are the ones hurting us? It has to do with the way that the subconscious mind looks for information. You are the smartest person you know, and you believe everything that you say, especially when you repeat it over and over again.
Many people are familiar with affirmations, or the practice of repeating a positive statement to yourself several times over a period of time to create a change in thinking. This is a very effective way of creating change, and it works just as well with negative statements as it does with positive ones.
The subconscious mind is the part of you that is responsible for your imagination, your fears, and your habits. It is constantly looking for patterns and information so that it can act and react appropriately. This inner dialogue, self-doubt, or ‘negative self-talk’ is heard by the subconscious mind as factual information, and the more often it hears it, the more it understands those negative thoughts and doubts to be a directive.
In short, the more often you hear a negative statement, the more likely you are to believe that it is true. And because this hurtful behavior is coming from ourselves, we are more inclined to allow it, and believe it. So, if you are doubting that you are good enough, or if you are putting yourself down, your subconscious mind is taking those statements and creating beliefs with them.
Where Does That Bring Us?
Let’s back up a bit, and talk more about that cycle of depression. It is pretty common knowledge that managing stressful situations takes its toll on a person both physically and emotionally. And earlier we remembered how difficult it can be just to get through the day when we are exhausted. And finally we talked about the impact that negative self talk has on a person. So let’s put all that together and see where that brings us.
Normally, you would encounter a stressful event, navigate through it, and then have time to reflect on the experience while you recover physically and emotionally. By the time you get to the next stressful life event, you are refreshed and ready to go.
In depression though, after you navigate through a stressful life event, then the cycle of self-doubt and negative self talk begins, continuing the emotional stress. There is little to no time for the mind and body to recover before the next stressful event hits. The result is exhaustion. And as we already pointed out, exhaustion makes us perform below our potential, which can in turn cause more self doubt and negative self talk.
To further complicate matters, depression is often difficult to describe. There is a big difference in the way people look at you when you say “I was up all night working and now I can’t function today.” versus “I was up all night worrying about things I have no control over and now I can’t function today.”
In the first example, you may get some gentle ribbing, and people around you may even cut you some slack. You go take a nap or take it easy for the day and you are back on your game tomorrow. In the second scenario though, others may look at you as if something is wrong with you, and even if they dont, you may think that they are. Your insecurities already make you feel inadequate, and you do everything that you can to hide your exhaustion.
Despite the awareness campaigns and the plentitude of information about depression, depressed people still experience a stigma about their depression. They are already operating on the assumption that something is wrong with them, and as a result, they often try their best to look as “normal” as possible. Sometimes, the idea of someone else validating their negative beliefs about themselves is an unbearable thought.
How it All Unfolds
We are shocked by suicide. We have a great deal of difficulty wrapping our minds around how someone who was so apparently so successful, or happy, or vibrant, or loving, or loved, or full of life, could possibly want to end their life. But in reality, each and every one of us only shows the world what we want it to see.
For the person with depression, we want you to see that we are happy, successful, in control, loving, loved, and anything but struggling and exhausted. Some people use alcohol, drugs, and even shopping or gambling to keep themselves moving forward, and to keep up the appearance of happiness and confidence. At some point, for some people, the exhaustion catches up with them. It becomes too much to bear, and too hard to keep fighting their way through each day. It is sad, and tragic, and heartbreaking.
The Role of Hypnosis
One of the most overlooked resources in breaking that cycle of negativity and exhaustion is hypnosis. You have probably heard me say it before, “You are what you say you are.” Hypnosis allows you to heal from the inside out. Using advanced hypnotic protocols, you can undo years of harm and hurt in a matter of hours. You can forgive yourself, and others, and begin the process of healing.
The subconscious mind considers patterns of behavior to be habits, and habits are notoriously hard to break from the outside on purpose. The subconscious mind uses habits and patterns to keep you alive. If they were easy to change, then we wouldn’t be able to protect ourselves or regulate our bodies efficiently.
Using hypnosis, you can change your inner dialogue, and the way you feel about yourself. Hypnosis allows us to go directly to the subconscious mind and change the unhealthy habits, patterns, and behaviors from the inside, replacing them with healthier and more beneficial beliefs.
With the self doubt and negative self talk out of the way, you now have time to renew and recover from those stressful life events. The exhaustion is eliminated, and the cycle is ended. You can also use hypnosis to change the way you experience stressful situations, so that you are calmer and more focused in everything that you do.
No matter how you decide to get help with depression, remember that you are not stuck. You are not alone. And you can feel better. You don’t have to pretend to be okay. In the time it takes you to have lunch, you can change how you think about yourself.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
“I should’ve died in my 20s. I became successful in my 40s. I became a dad in my 50s. I feel like I’ve stolen a car - a really nice car - and I keep looking in the rearview mirror for flashing lights. But there’s been nothing yet.” ~ Anthony Bourdain∎
Karen Gray is a Certified Hypnotist, a Registered Nurse, and the owner of Green Mountain Hypnosis in Lebanon, New Hampshire. For more information on how you can use hypnosis to change your life, you can visit www.greenmountainhypnosis.com, contact Karen at karengray@greenmountainhypnosis.com, or call (802) 566-0464.