Finding Self-Confidence

We had a wonderful time learning about different types of yoga, meditation, chanting, mindful eating, and even belly dancing. In addition to hypnosis, there were reiki and massage mini sessions. We sat in a drum circle around a campfire, walked through a quiet forest to walk the labyrinth, and swam in the crystal clear lake. We talked together over meals and between activities, and laughed a lot.

My favorite part of the weekend retreat was the transformation that occured in every woman in attendance, including myself, from a low place of feeling stressed and tired to a tall and confident and powerful place of confidence and balance. It was a beautiful testimony to our ability to ignite our self-confidence.

Self-confident people seem to have qualities that everyone admires, whether it is the quietly confident doctor giving us advice, or the charismatic confidence of an inspiring speaker. There is something about confident people that make us want to be in their circle, to be near them, and even to be more like them. This happened in the circle of women as well, who seemed to be drawn closer together as the weekend went on.

Self-confidence is extremely important in almost every aspect of our lives. It makes it easier to connect with other people, improves communication, and seems to draw positive results. For many people who struggle with confidence, there can be a vicious cycle of lowered self-esteem as a result of difficulties with success, that in turn leads to a lower level of self-confidence.

You have seen this in action for yourself. Most people are reluctant to stand behind a project that's being sponsored by someone who is nervous, fumbling, and overly apologetic. On the other hand, you are more likely to be persuaded by someone who speaks clearly and looks you in the eye, who holds their head high, who answers questions assuredly, and who radiates a confidence that is welcoming and attractive.

What Is Self-Confidence?

Self-efficacy and self-esteem are the two main things that contribute to how much self-confidence we feel.

We feel a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals that matter to us. This increases our feeling of confidence, knowing that if we learn well and work hard in a particular area, we will succeed. This type of confidence allows us to accept difficult challenges, and to keep trying and moving forward in the face of setbacks.

Self-esteem is a more general sense that we can cope with what's going on in our lives and that we have a right to be happy. Some of our self-esteem comes from feeling that the people around us approve of us and what we are doing. A larger portion of our self-esteem comes from the sense that we are doing the right thing, that we are competent at what we do, and that we can be successful when we put our minds to it.

A Little Balance

Self-confidence is all about balance. At one end of the spectrum there are people with self-confidence so low that they have difficulty with any interactions. At the other end, we have people who are so overconfident that they feel they cannot fail at any task.

If you are under-confident, you may avoid taking risks that lead to growth, and you might not try at all. If you’re overconfident, you may take on too much risk, stretch yourself beyond your capabilities, and crash badly. With the right amount of self-confidence, you will take informed risks, challenge yourself in appropriate ways, learn new things, acquire new skills and abilities, try hard, and succeed.

So how do you build this sense of balanced self-confidence? The good news is that becoming more confident is easily achievable.You’ll notice that I titled this article “Finding Self-Confidence” and not “Creating” it. That’s because you already have confidence in yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to do even the most simplest of tasks. You already have everything you need! So now you just need to learn to use it better.

You can think of this in the same way that you think about learning any other skill. There was a time in your life that you didn’t know how to walk, or drive, or use a spoon. Now, you are able to do all of these skills with such proficiency that you don’t even think about them any more. In the same way that you have mastered other skills in your life, you can learn to master your self- confidence.

What’s even better is that the things that you will do to build your self-confidence will also build your success, which builds your self-confidence even more!

The first step involves getting yourself ready. I ask my hypnosis clients two questions before we begin. “What do you feel like right now?” and “What do you want to feel like instead?” It is important to identify where you are in this moment. You need to know where you are starting from so that you know how to get to your destination.

What Does Confidence Look Like?

Your level of self-confidence can show in many ways. It shows in your behavior, your body language, how you speak, how you look, and what you say. Here are some examples of confident behavior, and non-confident behaviors.

Confident Behavior

• Doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticize you for it.

• Being willing to take risks and go the extra mile to achieve better things.

• Admitting your mistakes, and learning from them.

• Waiting for others to congratulate you on your accomplishments

• Accepting compliments graciously. “Thanks, I really worked hard on that project. I’m pleased that you recognize my efforts.”
  
  

Non-Confident Behavior

• Changing your behavior based on what other people think.

• Staying in your comfort zone, fearing failure, and avoiding risks.

• Working hard to cover up mistakes and hoping that you can fix the problem before anyone notices.

• Talking yourself up as often as possible to as many people as possible.

• Dismissing compliments offhandedly. “Oh that project was nothing really, anyone could have done it.”

Building Self-Confidence

So take a moment, and a journal, notebook, or paper, and write down what you feel like right now. Give some examples of times that your level of self confidence was less than you wanted it to be, and be specific. What were you feeling in those moments. Where in your body did you feel those feelings? What did you feel like after, and how did you react to those situations?

Now, think about what your success looks like. I will ask my hypnosis clients to close their eyes and imagine standing in front of a full length mirror. This mirror shows them what they look like when they are feeling self-confident. Notice what you are wearing, how your hair is styled, your posture, your tone of voice, and how you are interacting with other people. I then have my clients imagine that they can hear this future version of themselves talk about how wonderful their life is - in detail! - now that they have made the changes they want to make.

This makes your success real, because anything we can imagine, we can make a reality. Think about that for a moment. If you are imagining something that makes you feel afraid or anxious, then you begin to feel the tightness in your chest, or the butterflies in your stomach. And if you think about something that brings you joy, you smile and feel lighter, and you may even shed a few tears. You created that physical response, that reality just with your thoughts. Remember, you are what you say you are!

Finally, you need to change your inner dialogue. Most people have heard of using affirmations to train themselves to think good and positive thoughts. People use them because they work! Try this simple exercise. Just before sleep each night for a week, sit on the edge of your bed and take three deep breaths. Repeat this phrase ten times: “Every day in every way I am better and better.” As you repeat the phrase, image that successful you in the mirror, and allow yourself to see all the ways your success is benefitting you.

This sets a roadmap for your subconscious mind, who will take that map and set in motion the internal changes that need to happen to make that success your reality. Keep looking for the positive changes that are happening to you. Some of them will be small, and some of them will be huge, but they will be there!

Keep Managing Your Mind

With each new goal, continue to visualize your success. Make a mental image of yourself already enjoying that success. Keep celebrating and enjoying success, and keep evolving those mental images.

You are well into your Journey now, and with each new experience you are building your foundation of self-confidence. Keep practicing each level of expanded difficulty until it feels natural and easy to set and reach those more challenging goals, and then expand again! As long as you keep on stretching yourself, you'll find your self-confidence growing right along with you.

The Role of Hypnosis

Usually I end each article with a brief explanation of how hypnosis can help with the topic, and ways that you can use hypnosis for yourself to live a fuller, happier, more successful life. This entire article is full of self-hypnosis methods to improve your self-esteem, and I’d like to do something a little different this time.

At the beginning of the article I mentioned the Women’s Wellness Retreat at the Circle Program Camp in Groton, New Hampshire. Here is the information from their website.

Mission & Philosophy

The Circle Program provides girls from low-income New Hampshire families with new opportunities to learn the skills, courage and confidence they need to handle the challenges in their lives. We do this through a unique combination of adult and peer support that is delivered through our year-round mentoring and residential summer camp programs.

The Circle Program’s philosophy is closely aligned with Positive Youth Development, which emphasizes building assets and skills. Positive Youth Development, a research-based approach (Lerner et al., 2005), focuses on promoting healthy developmental potential and outcomes.

The goals, referred to as the 6 C’s, seek to:

1. Enhance social, emotional, cognitive and vocational competence

2. Improve self-esteem, self-confidence and self-efficacy

3. Build and strengthen connections with other people and institutions

4. Enhance character development through increased self-control, decreased involvement in risky behaviors and respect for society’s rules

5. Increase capacity for caring through empathy and identification with others

6. Give girls opportunities to belong and “give back” through community service; their contribution.

These 6 core principles provide the foundation for the Circle Program’s summer camp and year-round mentoring programs.

The Women’s Wellness Retreat is a three-day inclusive experience that raises funds to allow the Circle Program to continue to provide these much needed services to New Hampshire girls. Please take a moment and visit their website to learn more.

About Circle Program:  https://www.circleprogram.org/

Women’s Wellness Retreat: https://www.circleprogram.org/wellness-retreat

∎