Self-confident people seem to have qualities that everyone admires, whether it is the quietly confident doctor giving us advice, or the charismatic confidence of an inspiring speaker. There is something about confident people that make us want to be in their circle, to be near them, and even to be more like them.
Self-confidence is extremely important in almost every aspect of our lives, yet so many people struggle to find it. Unfortunately, this can be a vicious circle. People who struggle with self-confidence can find it difficult to become successful, which makes finding that self-confidence even more difficult..
After all, most people are reluctant to stand behind a project that's being pitched by someone who is nervous, fumbling, and overly apologetic. On the other hand, you might be persuaded by someone who speaks clearly and looks you in the eye, who holds his or her head high, who answers questions assuredly, and who readily admits when he or she does not know something.
Confident people inspire confidence in others. Their audience, their peers, their bosses, their customers, and their friends all benefit from interacting with them. This happens even when we are unaware of it, because we instinctively model excellence - meaning that we imitate the behaviors that we like in other people. So, we see a confident person, and we automatically begin to model their behavior in an effort to get their confidence for ourselves.
This is good news! Our instinct to model the behaviors we see in others that we want for ourselves means that self-confidence really can be learned and built on! And, whether you’re working on your own confidence or building the confidence of people around you, it’s well-worth the effort!
How Confident Do You Seem to Others?
Your level of self-confidence can show in many ways. We see it in your behavior, your body language, how you speak, what you say, and so on. Look at the following list of common confident behavior and compare it to the list of behaviors associated with low self-confidence. Which thoughts or actions do you recognize in yourself and people around you?
Confident Behavior
Doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticize you for it.
Being willing to take risks and go the extra mile to achieve better things.
Admitting your mistakes, and learning from them.
Waiting for others to congratulate you on your accomplishments
Accepting compliments graciously. “Thanks, I really worked hard on that project. I’m pleased that you recognize my efforts.”
Behavior Associated With low Self-Confidence
Governing your behavior based on what other people think.
Staying in your comfort zone, fearing failure, and so avoid taking risks.
Working hard to cover up mistakes and hoping that you can fix the problem before anyone notices.
Extolling your own virtues as often as possible to as many people as possible.
Dismissing compliments offhandedly. “Oh that project was nothing really, anyone could have done it.”
As you can see from these examples low self-confidence can be self-destructive, and it often manifests itself as negativity. Confident people believe in themselves and their abilities, so they tend to have more positive attitudes.
What Is Self-Confidence?
Two main things contribute to self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-esteem.
We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves and other other people who are similar to ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals that matter in those skill areas. This is having confidence that if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we will succeed. This type of confidence leads people to accept difficult challenges, and to keep trying and moving forward in the face of setbacks.
Self-esteem is a more general sense that we can cope with what's going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy. Some of our self-esteem comes from a feeling that the people around us approve of us and what we are doing. However, it also comes from the sense that we are acting virtuously, that we are competent at what we do, and that we can be successful when we put our minds to it.
Building Self-Confidence
So how do you build this sense of balanced self-confidence? The good news is that becoming more confident is easily achievable, just as long as you have the focus and determination to carry things through. And what’s even better is that the things that you will do to build your self-confidence will also build success - which builds your self-confidence even more! So here are three steps to building self-confidence.
Step 1: Preparing for Your Journey
The first step involves getting yourself ready for your journey to self-confidence. You need to take stock of where you are, think about where you want to go, get yourself in the right mindset for your journey, and commit yourself to starting it and staying with it.
I will often ask a new hypnosis client “What do you feel like right now?... and what would you rather feel like?” It can be very useful to take the time to identify where you are in this very moment, so that you can, in turn ,identify where you would rather be and what changes you would like to make.
So take inventory, and start with your successes. What are you already doing that either builds or demonstrates your self-confidence? And look at the things you would like to change. What are the things you are doing now that are damaging your self-confidence?
Now, think about what your success looks like. It is important to see this goal clearly, to take the time to visualize what your success looks like, otherwise, how will you know when you get there? I will sometimes ask a hypnosis client to close their eyes and imagine standing in front of a full length mirror. This mirror shows them what they look like when they are successful in reaching their goal. I ask them to notice what their reflection is wearing, how their hair is styled, how they are standing and interacting with other people. I even have them imagine that they can hear this future version of themselves talk about how wonderful their life is - in detail! - now that they have made the changes they want to make. This may sound like a silly or awkward exercise, but this use of imagery is extremely powerful in creating lasting change.
Finally, you need to change your inner dialogue. People often use affirmations to train themselves to think good and positive thoughts. People use them because they work! A simple exercise you can do before bed each night is to repeat this phrase ten times to yourself. “Every day in every way I am better and better.” As you repeat the phrase, imagine yourself getting better and better, closer and closer to your goal.
Commit Yourself to Success!
The final part of preparing for this journey is to make a clear and serious promise to yourself that you are absolutely committed to your success, and that you will do all that you can to achieve it. If you find doubts starting to surface, write them down and challenge them calmly and rationally. If they fall apart under a closer look, that’s great. If they are based on genuine risks, make sure you take additional action to manage them. Either way, make that promise!
A Little Perspective
Self-confidence is all about balance. At one extreme there are people with self-confidence so low that they have difficulty with any interactions.. At the other end, we have people who are so overconfident that they feel they cannot fail at any task.
If you are under-confident, you may avoid taking risks that lead to growth, and you might not try at all. If you’re overconfident, you may take on too much risk, stretch yourself beyond your capabilities, and crash badly. With the right amount of self-confidence, you will take informed risks, stretch yourself (but not beyond your abilities), learn new things, acquire new skills and abilities, try hard, and succeed..
In next weeks article we will start the journey!∎
Karen Gray is a Registered Nurse, a Certified Hypnotist, and the owner of Green Mountain Hypnosis in Lebanon, New Hampshire. For more information on how you can use hypnosis to change your life, you can visit www.greenmountainhypnosis.com, or contact Karen at karengray@greenmountainhypnosis.com, or call (802) 566-0464.
